When Guilt Feels Overwhelming
You shared something about yourself, something that you had been wanting to share for a long time. Maybe it was how you truly felt about a relationship, a piece of your identity, or a need you could no longer ignore. You thought this would bring a sense of relief, clarity, or empowerment. But now, it’s 2 a.m. and you’re lying in bed, re-living the moment over and over again in your head. Guilt has shown up in full force, asking whether you did the wrong thing or ruined someone’s life.
Guilt exists as a human emotion that tries to function as a moral compass, prompting us to live in alignment with our values and morals. Sometimes, recognizing feelings of guilt can be helpful for recognizing when we caused or might cause harm to someone. For example, if you breach someone’s trust, feeling guilt can help you recognize the harm caused and help you move towards accountability and repair.
But sometimes, guilt can feel overwhelming or misaligned to the situation. It might be too loud, too critical, or too paralyzing. Maybe you have tried many times to push away the Guilt, but it just keeps showing up. In those moments, it can be helpful to get curious about your relationship with guilt to feel more empowered and less controlled by guilt. The following is a guide to help you get curious about guilt so you can build a more a meaningful and authentic life.
Externalizing and Getting to Know Guilt
Giving guilt a name can be helpful because it allows us to personify and confront it more directly. I’ll be using the word Guilt, but feel free to swap it out with a word that is more meaningful for you.
To start, consider these questions to begin to get to know Guilt:
How long has Guilt played a role in your life?
Does Guilt have a voice? What does Guilt’s voice sound like?
What has influenced Guilt?
Exploring the Roots of Guilt
Remember how Guilt prompts us to live in alignment with our values and morals? Sometime we have been raised in belief systems that don’t align with our current values and morals. Or we’ve been told how to act in ways that just don’t align with how we are. This can be especially true for people with marginalized identities. You may have been told that who you are or how you express yourself is wrong or shameful. These external messages can cause Guilt to be less of a moral compass and instead become an internal critic.
What messages about Guilt have you learned from your family or community?
How do these messages influence your actions, thoughts, or decisions?
Are there specific cultural expectations or norms that contribute to Guilt? What are they?
Can you recall specific memories or experiences that influenced Guilt? How do these past experiences influence your current experiences of Guilt?
Recognizing the Influence of Guilt
Once we have recognized the roots of Guilt, it can be helpful to understand how Guilt shows up in our current life. The following questions can help you look at how Guilt shows up in your current life:
How does Guilt influence your decisions and actions?
Where does Guilt feel most present (e.g., family, relationships, or at work)?
How has your relationship with Guilt changed over time?
Do you feel that Guilt is an obstacle or a guide? How so?
Reflecting on Your Relationship with Guilt
Reflecting on how Guilt has shown up in your life is an important step to deciding if or how you want things to change. You may notice that Guilt has been helpful in some moments, but less than helpful in other moments.
Changing Your Relationship with Guilt
If you feel that there are things about your relationship with Guilt that you would like to change, it can be helpful to approach your Guilt with a sense of compassion. Compassion helps you feel enough safety to understand what Guilt is trying to do, so you can work with it rather than against it.
Imagine Guilt is a friend sitting in the room with you. What questions would you ask Guilt?
What might Guilt want to share with you about its presence in your life?
What positive intentions might Guilt have for being present in your life?
If Guilt was trying to protect you, what might it be protecting you from?
Finding the Moments When You Felt More in Control
Even when Guilt feels powerful and overwhelming, there are almost always small moments where things were a little different. By noticing these moments, you can begin to recognize that you do have the ability to change your relationship with Guilt.
Have there been times – even if just for a moment – when Guilt was a little quieter or wasn’t present?
What are times that you may have felt some Guilt, but still acted in a way that you knew was best for you?
What are times Guilt told you something useful?
How is your relationship with Guilt different when you view it as a conversation rather than a struggle?
A New Relationship With Guilt
Changing your relationship with Guilt is about learning how to respond to Guilt, rather than be controlled by Guilt. Over time, you can get more confident about knowing which messages from Guilt are worth listening to and which messages no longer serve you.
If you’re struggling with feelings of guilt that are overwhelming or hard to make sense of on your own, therapy can help. I help LGBTQIA+ couples and individuals in Sacramento, and online in California, move past overwhelming Guilt and build more compassion and empowerment. If Guilt has been taking up too much space in your life, click here to learn more about therapy with Andy Price.
