How to Navigate Jealousy in Non-Monogamous Relationships
Jealousy can be a really uncomfortable feeling. It can be really frustrating to notice you are experiencing jealousy, especially when you don’t understand why you are feeling jealous. You may be curious about polyamory or non-monogamy, but worried about being impacted by jealousy. Read on to learn more about jealousy and how to navigate moments of jealousy.
What is jealousy?
Jealousy is an emotional reaction that occurs when someone experiences a perceived threat to their relationship, social status, or sense of stability. We often think of jealousy as something that occurs in romantic relationships, but jealousy can occur in all sorts of situations. You may be jealous of your coworker who got an interview at a better job or when an old friend posts pictures on Instagram of their flourishing social life. In adult romantic relationships, jealousy is an emotional response to perceived threats to a relationship’s bond, often in the context of a perceived loss of a partner to another person.
Way you may experience jealousy:
In your thoughts: intrusive or repetitive thinking about a partner’s connection to others, imagining worst case scenarios, comparing yourself to others, or rumination about potential threats
In your emotions: a felt sense of hurt, fear, anxiety or sadness in response to a perceived threat to your
In your actions: Seeking reassurance, checking messages, scrolling social media, or keeping tabs on what your partner is doing
How does jealousy show up in non-monogamous or polyamorous relationships?
From the lens of attachment theory, humans form bonds with important people in their life (like partners), experiencing emotional safety when these bonds feel reliable and secure. When something or someone feels like a potential threat to this bond, people may experience distress and anxiety. These potential threats can trigger thoughts that a partner will leave, they will like another person more, or that people do not like us or care about us. These thoughts trigger a “danger!” alarm.
When the “danger!” alarm sounds, we each have self-protective strategies that become activated. Some people get angry, some people get anxious, some people look for ways to blame others, and some people pull away, shut down, or go numb. The ways you experience jealousy likely reflects your attachment style. If you have a secure attachment style, you can likely easily manage moments of jealousy without feeling heightened stress, being able to soothe yourself and express what you need in the moment. If you tend to be anxious, you may experience jealousy as intense anxiety and seek reassurance that your relationship is ok. And if you tend towards avoidance, you may pull away and avoid acknowledging how you feel about the situation.
Is jealousy a bad thing?
No, jealousy is not an inherently bad thing. Experiencing jealousy does not mean you are bad at being poly, it just means there is likely an unmet need or an experience is touching on an insecurity. In fact, in non-monogamous and polyamorous relationships, moments of jealousy are often recognized as normal emotional experiences and as a cue that is time for a relationship check-in. Rather than view jealousy as something that should be avoided or suppressed, non-monogamous and polyamorous often view jealousy as an emotion that can be processed and managed.
Recognizing jealousy can actually provide an opportunity for greater clarity and connection.
The key to addressing jealousy is getting to the root of what is triggering the jealousy. Getting to the root of the jealousy and using direct communication can create greater clarity and connection. Common strategies for managing jealousy include open communication, establishing relationship agreements, and making sure you are on the same page about expectations. If you know jealousy comes from an area of insecurity, it can also be helpful to develop strategies to help soothe yourself during times of jealousy. This may include practicing self-compassion, journaling, planning a self-care day, spending time with friends who care about you, or working with a therapist to change the stories you tend to tell yourself.
The Strengths of ENM/Polyamory Can Help You Navigate Jealousy
People in all relationship structures can experience jealousy. Ever heard someone be jealous that their partner is spending the weekend with their friends instead of with them? So while all relationship structures may experience jealousy, ENM relationships have several traits that make it easier to acknowledge and talk about jealous. Some of these traits are:
A view that love is not a finite resource (and recognizing that time is a more finite resource)
Recognizing it can be normal to be attracted to more than one person at the same time
The encouragement of open communication
Ongoing conversations about boundaries
Intentional time spent with partner
A recognition that jealousy is not something to be avoided, rather, jealousy is something to be talked about and worked through
What is your jealousy actually communicating?
Your jealousy may be an indication of:
Fear of abandonment or rejection
Insecurities in comparison to others
Being afraid of a loss of time - can be a fear that the partner will not be there in a time of need
Uncertainty or lack of information
When our brain can’t predict an outcome, it will try to create a story about the potential outcome. For our brains, a scary outcome is better than not having an expected outcome
Perceived unfairness if expectations feel different for you compared to others
How to Manage Moments of Jealousy
Show yourself compassion. Being jealous does not mean you are bad at being poly.
Notice your triggers. When does jealousy tend to show up?
Ask yourself whether something in your relationship needs to be addressed.
Is there unresolved conflict?
Are you still being impacted by a past miscommunication or breach of trust?
Are you and your partner working with different expectations about your relationship or your time spent together?
Do boundaries need to be clarified?
Is there something you have been afraid to bring up to your partner?
Are there new activities or experiences you want to try but have only seen your partner do these activities or experiences with other people?
Explore self-soothing strategies. Maybe you feel like your communication has been solid and you can’t identify unmet needs in your relationship, but you still notice moments where anxiety creeps in. Once you have identified what moments or situations tend to trigger you anxiety, it can help to develop a self-care action plan for these moments.
Would it help to make plans with friends? Maybe those moments are the ideal time to engage in your preferred form of physical activity or to watch the new show you’re been eagerly anticipating.
Make a playlist that will help you feel all the feels.
Try journaling - identifying what is being triggered and what makes it a trigger for you.
Engage in your favorite hobbies or activities. Find ways to make this time something that you look forward to.
Use mindfulness strategies such as deep breathing or 5-4-3-2-1 grounding
Notice what parts of you are activated during moments with jealousy and ask what these parts need from you
Show yourself kindness and compassion
If you notice yourself having a hard time soothing yourself during moments of jealousy, therapy can help you build tools to manage these moments and re-write the stories you are telling yourself during moments of jealousy.
A Script for Getting Started
If you recognize that jealousy is a sign that you need to communicate a need to your partner, try this script to get started.
Share the feeling: “I am noticing some jealousy. I think it would be helpful to talk about this.”
Name the need underneath the feeling: “I need to feel like I am a priority. It helps me feel like a priority when we have intentional quality time.”
Make a request: “Could we set aside an evening per week as dedicated ‘us time’?”
Therapy can help you build tools to communicate about jealousy.
If you or your partner get stuck when trying to discuss or manage jealousy, therapy can help you build the tools needed to talk about jealousy and address whatever is as the root of your jealous. Therapy can be helpful if you are having hard time identifying the root of your jealousy, your and your partner keep getting stuck in the same conflict cycle, you are unsure how to meet each of your needs, or you notice old wounds are contributing to your jealousy. Andy Price LMFT helps non-monogamous and polyamorous relationships. Visit this page to get started.
