What is Emotionally Focused therapy?
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a research-backed form of couples therapy that transforms relationship distress.
Based in attachment theory, EFT views relationship distress as being rooted in insecure attachment bonds. The EFT process disrupts negative interaction cycles by accessing the underlying emotions and unmet needs driving the cycle. Through corrective emotional experiences, EFT supports the ability of couples to express needs and fears in a way that promotes connection, rather than creating conflict. The goal is the creation of a secure attachment bond where partners can turn to each other and know their partner will be accessible, responsive, and engaged.
What is attachment theory?
Attachment theory is a psychology theory that suggests that bonding with other human beings is an innate need for all people.
During early childhood, if our caregivers respond to our needs in a consistent manner, we learn that is safe to rely on others and ask others for help.
If during childhood our needs for connection, safety, and responsiveness are not met, people develop protective strategies.
These protective strategies may include anxiously seeking connection, shutting off the need for connection, or panicking when connection is offered.
These are referred to insecure attachment strategies (you may have heard this referred to as anxious attachment and avoidant attachment).
In adult romantic relationships, partners exhibit insecure attachment strategies when they feel the attachment bond is threatened.
If someone thinks their partner is not or will not be there for them, they will likely rely on the insecure attachment strategies they learned during childhood to help meet their needs.
They may anxiously seek reassurance or speak louder to amplify their distress signal.
Or, they may dismiss their need for others and find ways to solve their challenges on their own.
On the surface, these attachment responses may be understood as criticism, withdrawal, or disconnection. However, they are driven by deeper fears such as not mattering, being alone, or being unsafe.
The Development of EFT
EFT was developed in the 1980s by Susan Johnson and Leslie Greenberg. In Johnson’s early work with couples, she observed that couples would exhibit recurring patterns of emotional expression and distress. Her attempts to teach communication skills to distressed couples did not cause a shift in these patterns. In her search to find a roadmap that explained these cycles, she used the science of attachment theory to understand these emotional processes and interaction cycles. This led to the development of EFT as an approach that creates a new sense of connection between partners. Sue is now known for changing how we view love, recognizing it as a deep emotional connection in which partners seek emotional accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement from each other.
Why do we care about emotions?
EFT views that emotional experiences shape how people understand themselves and others and what motivates their behavior.
The role of emotions is to direct people towards unmet needs, as emotions provide valuable information about our experiences.
An emotion can be viewed as a compass that directs people towards unmet needs and underlying fears.
When people experience moments that seem like a threat to a secure attachment bond, primary emotions arise automatically, without conscious thoughts.
Primary emotions are feelings like fear, sadness, or loneliness.
In an emotionally safe, secure relationship, people are able to directly express these emotions to each other.
People are able to recognize fear or sadness as a signal they need comfort or support from trusted others.
When people learn that is unsafe to express their primary emotions to others, they often adapt by intensifying their emotional expression or suppressing it.
These are sometimes referred to as secondary emotions, such as anger or shame.
While this may help people cope in the short term, it often provokes a response from their partner.
Overtime, a negative interaction cycle forms between partner. Negative interaction cycles emerge due to insecure attachment strategies, stemming from a desire to meet unmet attachment needs, but in turn triggering the other person’s protective strategies.
What is the process of EFT?
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The first stage focuses on identifying and shifting a couple’s negative interaction cycle. This process involves:
Identifying the negative cycle
Acknowledging the underlying primary emotions that drive the cycle
Reframing conflict in terms of the negative interaction cycle.
At the end of stage one, the couple begins to recognize the negative cycle as the mutual enemy, rather than viewing each other as the problem.
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The second stage is where the deeper layers of change happen.
The therapist helps partners:
Access unmet needs and fears
Re-shape how they view themselves and others, recognizing that they are worthy of connection and they can view their partner as a safe person
Promote acceptance of each other’s experiences and needs
In this stage, the therapist guides partners to vulnerably express needs or fears to their partner and shapes the ability of partners to respond to this vulnerability, which creates a corrective emotional experience.
Corrective emotional experiences occur when, perhaps for the first time in a relationship or even someone’s lifetime, a person can express a vulnerable need or fear and receive a supportive response.
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In the third and final stage, consolidation, the therapist supports the couple in their ability to create new solutions to old problems, based on everything they have learned during therapy
On a personal note…
Why do I use EFT?
EFT gave me a roadmap for what I intuitively felt drawn to do as a therapist: help people feel seen in the emotional places where they usually hide. As a therapist and as a human being, I understand that people are adaptive to surviving moments of danger.
People are brilliantly adaptive at getting needs met during moments of uncertainty. Emotions and protective strategies make sense when placed in the context of attachment needs.
EFT supports people as they make sense of these emotional experiences and then use that understanding to create new interactions with the people they care about the most. Through EFT, people are able to learn that it can be safe to share their internal emotional world with others.
Are you seeking a safe, supportive relationship with your partner?
If you're feeling stuck in recurring patterns of conflict or disconnection, couples therapy in Sacramento or online in California can help create new experiences of safety, understanding, and connection. Click here to get started.
References:
Dalgleish, T. L., Johnson, S. M., Burgess Moser, M., Lafontaine, M.-F., Wiebe, S. A., & Tasca, G. A. (2015). Predicting change in marital satisfaction throughout Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 41(3), 276–291.
Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown and Company.
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. The Guilford Press.
Johnson, S.M. (2019). The practice of emotionally focused couples therapy. Routledge.
Wiebe, S. A., Johnson, S. M., Lafontaine, M. F., Burgess Moser, M., Dalgleish, T. L., & Tasca, G. A. (2017). Two‐year follow‐up outcomes in emotionally focused couple therapy: An investigation of relationship satisfaction and attachment trajectories. Journal of marital and family therapy, 43(2), 227-244.
